please tell me i don’t really exist in this world

i fucking love corporate america.  i had to write a newsletter article announcing a new market data system to all of HR. here’s how my information gathering meeting with the boys from compensation went:

AVP of Comp: this system is much better than the old market smart tool because that only let you search by geographic location. this one lets you narrow it down by state and city.

Me: can you tell me what market smart was used for?

AVP of Comp:  yeah, see that book on the shelf behind you. actually, see those three books.

[his two minions crack up]

Me: [feigns amusement] how about a high-level summary?

AVP of Comp[looks at me with disdain which i take to mean he doesn’t get the term “high level summary” after all he only makes $200k/yr with a 22% bonus.]

Minion 1: it lets you see competitive market salary ranges for jobs throughout the country.

Me: thanks minion, i mean constantine.

AVP of Comp: the old system only let you search for exempt jobs. this one lets you search by exempt, salaried non-exempt, hourly non-exempt, and hourly by years of experience.

Me: are people still using the old system?

AVP of Comp: no that was discontinued 2 years ago because of access issues.

Me: [two thoughts: 1.) it took you two fucking years to develop this new system? 2.) why do you keep comparing it to a system that has been defunct for two years?] so what have people been using?

AVP of Comp: them. [looks to minions and laughs at them.]

AVP of Comp: then you can narrow it down by other qualifiers like education, job complexity, certification, and so on… [whipping through screens like it’s all old hat]

Me: will i be able to get in there and look at all of this more closely?

AVP of Comp: yeah, we’ll set you up to have access. constantine will send you a link.

Me: Great. [i’ll figure this out on my own cuz your demo sucks cat piss smell.]

AVP of Comp: then it shows minimum, midpoint and maximum for salaries, incentive, and total cash.

Me: does the total cash equal the salary plus the incentive?

AVP of Comp: no, it doesn’t work out that way.

Me: [tilts head in quizzical expression] because?

AVP of Comp: because incentives vary.

Me: Ok. [i sure as fuck hope the HR people are accustomed to seeing the data like this and know how to interpret it.]

AVP of Comp: then we have instructions in the help tab.

Me: cool. [please tell me you didn’t write them.]

AVP of Comp: so any other questions?

Me: what will the HR people use this for?

AVP of Comp: to look up their own jobs.

[huge belly laughs from the minions]

Me: [you’re a regular laugh riot.]

AVP of Comp: market analysis, hiring, budgeting for RFPs, salary planning

Me: how do you access it?

AVP of Comp: i told you i’d send you a link.

Me: [not me fuck face] no, how will the HR people access it?

AVP of Comp: [speaking very slowly and completely disgusted]  W E   W I L L   S E N D  A  L I N K

Me: let me rephrase, W H E R E   W I L L   I T   R E S I D E?

Minion 2: on the compensation intranet page.

Me: [there ya go] is it there now?

Minion 2:  no, i’ll put it out there.

AVP of Comp: we have to come up with a good name for it. market data system isn’t that good. let us know if you have any ideas.  we thought of Associate Salary System (ASS).

[minions are rolling on the floor laughing like a couple of cockroaches that just got hit with the raid missile.]

Me: [i’m dealing with fucking juveniles.]

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