I’ve become absolutely desperate with this pain that remains in my ass. i haven’t been talking about it because BORING. but it is tearing me up and turning me into some kind of obsessive nut job.

the more interesting news is that i’ve started seeing an acupuncturist for it. and i’m now taking chinese herbs. the herbs i have are called ossifex extract (jian bu hu qian wan). they’re for nourishing yin and purging fire, enriching blood, and strengthening tendons. guess what this ancient recipe translates to in english?

Vigorous Walk as Stealthy Tiger Pill; Health Step and Hidden Tiger Pill

i’m taking a tiger pill, y’all!!! how fucking cool is that? i’ll tell you how cool it is: totally fucking awesome supercalifragilistic cool.

i’m gonna be all stealth like crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

i’m gonna be like the hunk of burning love, bradley cooper, in limitless after taking NZT.

mostly, i’m going to be a modern day myth like charlie sheen.

so it’s only fitting that i have my own phrase of empowerment in place of “winning.” i gave it some thought and do believe i’ve got it.

are you ready?

ok so it probably wasn’t much of a surprise after i put it in the title. anyhussy, it’s a blast to say. i like to do a raised power fist when i declare it.

and yes, you can use it, too. it has punch. i think cuz it’s derived from french and was probably used by those gnarly underground french resistance people or some shit.

this accupunturist has taught me some other things. like never drink cold water. only warm. warm water flushes out the kidneys, keeps your digestive system healthy, wards off diseases, and improves performance. yeah, try working out with warm water.

speaking of working out, apparently the western way is pointless. we try to expend energy, burn fat. the right way to exercise is tai chi. it’s meant to conserve energy, renew vitality and promote calmness and a feeling of emotional security.

i have my own ancient formula for that. it’s called franzia and xanax extract. plus there’s no way in hell those slow tai chi movements are going to burn off my franzia and pizza belly.

then she told me no stretching unless it’s backward stretching. so no doing any of the exercises the physical therapist gave me. no forward bending at all. walking is good. especially if it’s backward walking. can you see me backward walking in the city?

so much conflicting information. do i go with a western or eastern approach? i definitely think i’ll stick with the tiger blood pills. then again, i’ve always said yes to pills when it came to western medicine, too. but i’m not sure i’ll be able to take my herbs with warm franzia.

ps: i love puissance! so much i created some tshirts. you can even in get it on this action. (yes, i shamelessly promote my blog on the back of the adult shirts, but they’re still badass. i think.)