My spring vacation (alternative title: my advice to tampon makers)

I’m back from my too brief winter island getaway. we went to jamaica, mon. and anyone who has seen my pictures can tell i had my period.

it’s not enough that i just look at water and become bloated. i was bloated when i arrived.

don’t ya hate having your period when you’re on vacation? you men know what i mean, right? first, there’s the bloating issue which doesn’t complement eating massive amounts of vacation food (meaning just say yes to everything) and drinking like arthur (meaning it’s noon, time for my first of 82 rum punches).

second, there’s the tampon issue. who wants to have to think about changing a tampon while on the beach? but if you don’t, you might get that dreaded toxic shock syndrome. what is that anyway? and has anyone ever gotten it? my mother acted like everyone got it if they didn’t change their tampon every 2 hours.

let’s just say i’m negligent when it comes to changing my tampon. i’ve definitely left a tampon in for more than 8 hours. in fact, one time i remember forgetting it was in all day. i even had the sex with it in, and neither my partner or me realized it. so maybe it was blotto sex, but still.

it’s all pretty gross i know. but even the design of a tampon is twisted. there’s this stupid string hanging out of the critical entry to your lady vessel just acting like a giant wick, able to absorb all sorts of nasty bacterials, yeasties, paper mites, bed bugs, and dare i say fecal matter. *twitching trying to shake THAT the fuck off*

so what the fuck tampon makers? couldn’t we get a little plastic handle or knob or something instead of the wick?

though it’s definitely better than the alternative: the frightful maxi pad. i realize some people may have to wear them after a procedure or something, but why would anyone choose to sit in a pool of dismantled endometrium? (<– omg laughing hysterically. i wish i could take credit for that but i copped it from wikipedia. i still get credit for realizing the disturbing impact of these two words.) i’m no scientist but i think when your body expels something its a clear indication it should be kicked to the curb and taken away by tony soprano. not cushioned by a tempurpedic mattress and held touching your delicate skin. i give one helluva vacation review, don’t i? oh ok, here are a couple of pretty beach pics to erase everything i just wrote from your mind. peace out, punkers.