6 Reasons Valentine’s Day Is Saving America

Firecrackers, rivers dyed green, elves in pointy shoes, eggs hidden (and subsequently lost) throughout the house – there are many magnificent traditions that sustain America.

Yet those holidays pale next to the ultimate superiority of Valentine’s Day.

1. Shot Through The Heart, And You’re To Blame
America has a rich arrow history.

There’s William Tell. (Assuming he’s not British. Someone Wikipedia that and get back to me, okay?)

And the early hunters and gatherers.

One can only assume Abraham Lincoln spent some time with a bow.

Sadly we’ve grown apart from our arrow origins.

And that’s why Cupid and his bolt of love are so important.

Keeps us tied to our roots, our deep, spear-y roots.

2. Return to Sender (Except Please Don’t)
Writing letters is a lost art. Yet where would America be without writing? Or parchment? Or quills?

We’d probably live in a nation where children stoop before their time from carrying large stone tablets about.

Who wants that?

(Probably Communists.)

So thank goodness that once a year, every child decorates a shoebox and exchanges missives with classmates.

And thus written communication survives.

3. A Kiss From A Rose
Flowers can say so much.

I love you. Marry me. I’m so sorry I looked at that other girl in the restaurant, I swear it’s an eye condition.

Sometimes people neglect to speak in blooms, but rather use words or stick figures or singing telegrams.

Yet Valentine’s Day reminds of all of flowers’ importance.

Considering that florists are the backbone of the American economy (probably), that’s a realization we all need.

4. My Heart Will Go On
While causing serious confusion in anatomy classes, constant use of the heart symbol constantly reminds people of their love of New York City.

Love of NYC is directly related to a person’s love of America, +/- fear of subways, enjoyment of theatre and ability to hail a cab.

Thus, Valentine’s Day leads to a sharp increase in patriotism, with all of the love of country of the 4th of July, with half the risk of fire.

5. Scenes From An Italian Restaurant
Fancy restaurants = delicious food = yum.

Enough said.

6. Your Love’s As Sweet As Candy
On a normal day I go to work, eat a few boxes of chocolates, then pull out a box of cookies for lunch.

And my coworkers judge me.

Yet on Valentine’s Day, this is considered acceptable behavior.

And America needs a day of acceptance.

I didn’t even get around to mentioning the paper mache industry.