I’m neither rich nor suave enough to successfully navigate an art show. Yet a friend had one this past weekend, so to show him support I put on my big girl bloomers and emerged from my cave.

And it turns out art shows are just as I imagined they would be – dimly lit rooms filled with attractive people munching canapes and wearing expensive, coordinated outfits.

Clearly not my crowd.

It seemed imperative that I not fall down or start laughing hysterically or look down to find my lap covered in melted minty chocolate.

While I didn’t live up to my obligation, I did learn some valuable lessons along the way. So now I’ll share them with you, in the hope that we can move forward together, happier and saner art show attendees.

Well, not me. I’m not sure I’m welcomed back. So I’m going to build a permanent couch fort and start winter hibernation.

But all of you can go out into the world of art shows and make me proud.

Do it for the children.

Of artists.

Who desperately need food and baby paint kits.

1. Do not look up directions beforehand.

It’s enough to just get on the metro and figure it’ll work out. You have a friend with an iPhone and a false sense of knowledge of the Georgetown bus system. What could go wrong?

The answer is getting dreadfully lost throughout the metro and the bus and endless, endless walking. This will ensure you arrive fashionably late.

Or so late the auction is almost over and you can’t see most of the art and you’re just rude.

It’s a fine line.

2. People will not find I’m-touching-the-art jokes humorous.

Don’t make my mistakes.

3. Make the artist take a photo with you.

The ideal photo will include him looking angry and you being distracted.

Now be off – and make me proud!