if you recently began a diet as your new year’s resolution, i’m not apologizing for this post. i’m telling you to stop. you’re welcome.

am i in any way qualified to talk about this? fuck no.

i’m not fat. i’m not thin.

i’m not a doctor and i don’t play one on the oprah network or infomercials.

i don’t read self, shape, women’s health or prevention magazines unless they’re the only choice other than time, sports illustrated or parents magazines in the doctor’s waiting room.

i have no idea what gluten-free, pro-biotics, pre-biotics, omega 3s, superfruits, and night shade foods are.

i’ve  never dieted except that once i tried atkins 20 years ago and almost passed out on day 3 because i was only eating bacon or maybe it was from my halitosis that resulted from the low carb ketosis. (i agree, that’s too many -sis words.)

i just know what i see.

diets don’t work. if they work at all and the person doesn’t give up after the first week or month, they don’t work over the long run. maybe a successful dieter will keep the weight off for a year to two, but then the old habits creep back and BAM the dieter turns into a yo-yo dieter. i have seen it eleventy billion times over. show me one hard core dieter that hasn’t tried a dozen diets throughout his or her lifetime? all yielding the same results: weight loss. happiness. weight gain. depression. new diet eventually.

why don’t they work? self-denial. it causes a perverse obsession with that which the person denying him/herself is renouncing. it’s a fucking mental thing. (this is the synopsis for my new book but i’m guessing my book editor will probably want to revise my adjectives somewhat.)

as soon as you can’t have something, you’re going to crave it hard. then do something completely neurotic like binge on that shit as though you were a mountain lion that hasn’t eaten in days and has fresh kill in your claws. then you’re going to be all “fuck it, i suck” and eat everything that isn’t nailed down or you’re going to starve yourself which is going to cause real physical cravings because your body needs regular fuel in varieties like dark leafy greens, franzia, imported cheese and crusty baguette.

it’s the same concept as celibate catholic priests denying themselves the sex and then getting a perverse obsession with it and resorting to the wrongest, most mentally ill behavior out there: pedophilia.  now you might say pedophilia is more complex than this. so is weight and body image. but i’m here to break it down for you, remember? you might also say that it’s not celibacy that makes priests pedophiles, but that pedophiles just gravitate to professions where there are children around. but then i have to ask why the same high percentage of pedophiles isn’t found in the teaching profession. maybe i’ll leave this part out of my book.

self-denial. it’s not good for the human soul.

and you know another reason diets don’t work: portion control. i love this time of year when all of these jenny craig and nutrisystems people start advertising their programs by promoting a week of free meals. oh sure their menus consist of “all the food you love and chef-inspired creations–prepared by registered dietitians.” first of all, the meals are fucking tiny. denial! you’ll be hungry all the fucking time. second of all, they’re frozen foods. again, not qualified, but i thought one of the tenets of healthy eating was to avoid processed foods and eat fresh foods, not “fresh-tasting frozen foods.”

what does work? i’d have to say probably those stomach rubber bands. they remove the mental from the equation. they actually make it so you can’t eat too much. so if you’re craving a greasy pub burger, probably the most you can get down without getting sick is the snack-size burger in the mcdonald’s kid’s meal. which is a fucking tease.

if you’re not obese and don’t really qualify for the surgery or wouldn’t risk the possible complications, here’s what will really work, or the advice i plan to put in my book:

eat whatever the hell you want.

don’t skip meals. not even breakfast. feel full and satisfied.

you like a giant blueberry muffin for breakfast? eat it.

you like a roast beef special and ruffles with ridges for lunch? eat them.

you like a cowboy rib eye and loaded baked potato for dinner? eat them.

when the dessert is chocolate gateau? you better motherfucking eat it.

when you stop denying yourself, you’ll stop binging and overeating. you’ll start to realize you don’t need this shit all the time. you won’t eat like this everyday. and even if you do, just throw in a salad the next day. whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up or that dirty little cycle will start all over again. avoid the mental thing.

oh yeah and get off your motherfucking ass once in awhile.

ps: i promise to do real research for my book but not to offer any qualified advice.

pps: don’t you dare steal this book idea. i mean the outline and sample chapters are practically jumping off the page.

ppps: if you’re a book agent, i’m sure you’re interested already. you can email me at pattypunker at gmail dot com.

pppps: what should the title be: “diets are dumb” or ”the punker’s guide to losing weight” or something else?