So you might be wondering where i’ve been. not really? well, guess what …
work has its dick up my ass and i’m pinned to this pukey cheap-ass corporate carpet. in addition to my day job here, i’m also on this enterprise new media team responsible for infusing a social media plan into every line of business for this global beast.
infusing? isn’t that what you do with vodka?
i’m convinced one of the main reasons i really don’t belong in corporate america is that i don’t speaka the language. half the fucking time i don’t know what’s being said. and this special vernacular really flexes its muscle when you’re involved in a cross-functional, enterprise-wide endeavor. here are some of the words i stumble on:
workstream – whatever happened to group, work group, team? now it’s a workstream. what does that even mean? are there fish in it?
out-of-pocket – you’re not available, what??
prescribe – you’re not a doctor and so you’re not prescribing things. and if you are, then hook me up with some percocet.
hypotheses – this is a science term. i tune out because this does not apply to me.
synthesize – can’t we just put shit together?
traction – this is what my beamer has none of in the snow.
milestone – this applies to birthdays and anniversaries, significant things. how is every task a milestone? *shakes head*
sustainable – of course corp america had to jump on this ecological bandwagon. well i laugh to myself everytime i hear it in a meeting because i think of an erection.
cadence – this has to do with the rhythm of voice or music. why are you using it to mean frequency?
thought leadership – this is what steve jobs did, it implies innovation, i don’t see much of that here or in other big corporations. i just see a bunch of over-compensated exceutives. (alright i won’t go there today.)
this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it would be much easier for me to succeed if people would stop trying to impress everyone in the room and just speak some good old fashioned english. like those people in the movie fargo.