On Tuesday John will start kindergarten. Full day, every day.

Sarah will be in first, Violet in fourth. And they’ll all be in the same school.

All day, every day.

Which means, I’m home, alone.

Alone.

I thought I was going to be all, “Woohooo!! Freedom!!”

But instead I’m all, “Woohoo. Freedom.”

I’m making lists of all the projects I want to get done. Writing down all the things I’ve got to to, still, every day, whether I’ve got zero kids or one kid or three kids at home. I’m reminding myself that I’ll be watching my niece a couple days a week, I have my job, I’ve just started an online daily devotional and will be able to go to my own church’s bible study on Wednesday mornings for the first time in years.

So I’m going to be busy. Perhaps busier in some ways then when I had John home with me.

But you guys? I’m really starting to realize how much I’m going to miss him. Them. All of them home together.

I’ve got the uniforms purchased. The school supplies ready to go. Backpacks packed, lunch boxes ready to be filled.

And I’m petrified.

What if he misses me? What if he gets frustrated and starts having a tantrum? What if his teacher can’t understand him because of his speech difficulties? What if the other kids in his class can’t? What if he’s too shy, too slow to warm? What if he can’t buy milk on the first day? That will derail him for days.

What if I cry when I put him on the bus? What if he cries?

Oh, Lord.

I think keeping myself busy is the least of my worries.