this week i became a professional shoplifter. lucky for you i’m willing to share my know-how.

this wasn’t like the amateur shoplifting i did back in my college days when i’d stuff steaks down my pants at the ac-a-me because my iron-starved blood apparently wasn’t being enriched by grilled cheeses. and it wasn’t at the grocery store either where it’s cake to steal because there aren’t any sensors, cameras or security guards. it was at motherfucking macy’s where it takes mad skillz to shoplift.

so i’m there during my lunch hour trying on winter coats. i found a soia & kyo coat i loved but was torn between two sizes. this was a very fitted, high-wasted number with oversized buttons. the size 8 fit perfect but i thought it might be too snug if i had on a bulky sweater or suit jacket. the size 10 didn’t look as good with the extra fabric but gave me wiggle room. so i grabbed a michael kors blazer, put it on over my lightweight sweater and tried on both coats again.

i was still torn so i asked the sales woman who told me to go with the 8. i was like done! i had been there over an hour after hitting the clinique counter and trying on a bazillion coats. i needed to get back to work so i quickly put on my puffy coat and went to pay.

on my way out i set off the alarms. the security guard asked to check my bags. i figured the sales women forgot to take the sensor off. the security guard frisked my new coat and went through my cosmetics. nothing. he apologized. i said no worries, if the sensor was still on, i’d want it removed so i wouldn’t set off alarms everywhere. he asked to see my receipts, which i gladly presented. he apologized profusely.

i left the store and set the alarms off again and glanced back at the security guard; he said it was probably just my cell phone. i got back to the office, took of my coat and realized i still had on the MK blazer. sensor and all.

the security guard never asked me to open my coat. if he had i would have died of embarrassment.

so if you want to steal right out from under all of security, here are the 3 simple steps you need to follow:

1. dress as a corporate communications professional
2. buy some stuff so you have receipts to show
3. wear the free merchandise under your puffy coat

oh c’mon don’t judge. it’s not like i just told you how to make a bomb. besides, you read this post well-knowing i would tell you how to shoplift so that makes you an accessory.

(i’m kidding. you’re off the hook. i took the jacket back the next day and hung it right back on the hanger that it came from. but if i had a sensor remover . . . )